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It Starts With Empathy
It's both necessary and a little unnerving to change your scenery for at least a week every now and then, to rest, recharge, and gain new perspective ("they" say 8 days are required for a complete refresh). However, if you do it well, getting back into a groove to do the things that must be done, even the smallest of routines, relieves our autopilot ways of being and takes conscious thought. Which means my time away did what it was meant to do, and while I have great material to work with for this post, I have a little bit of blank-page syndrome.
Before jumping into Sunday's talk, I want to give a shout-out to Guy Nelson and Sustainable Ballard in particular, and also to Juniper Rayne (our fabulous music director) and Brenda Campbell (talent extraordinaire) for their effort and creativity to make our first annual (yes, annual!) Halloween Boo! Bash a magical event. I wasn't on the planning team, so I was delighted and impressed when I arrived (sadly unprepared for my tiny role as the "Lady of Blackmoor Castle") on Saturday evening. What a gift to the neighborhood! We had families, kids, and costumes across all spectrums. Activities, snacks, music, and storytelling were all on point.
New Month, New Theme
On Sunday, we welcomed back singer-songwriter Mary Van Zante-Peiser, who set the tone for our monthly theme, The Heart's Harvest, with a singalong of the classic Mister Rogers song, "Won't You Be My Neighbor?" Rev. Liz Mirante, our Sunday speaker, noted that the neighborhood in the song is very much like our spiritual community: our chosen community. Her comments about how unique our community is, how wonderful we are, and how our community deserves our support warmed my heart.
Where'd the Year Go?
Here we are in November already. I don’t know where the year went; for me, a year of unemployment and all the ups and downs that come with it. Rev. Liz said we often think of the harvest as tangible accomplishment, the physical manifestation of our effort, and asked us to look inward instead, at our inner harvest. How have we grown? What seeds did we plant? What did we nurture?
Those questions fit an idea she drew from Carl Jung, James Hollis, and Richard Rohr, all wise men with words to live by. They look at our lives in two halves. The first is focused on our ego identity, often around work and family. In the second half, we’re exploring who we truly are, awakening to what our soul is here to do. What wants to be expressed? What do I really want?
For Rev. Liz, the harvest is our capacity for love. This month, our speakers explore its different qualities: empathy, compassion, kindness, gratitude, and grace. She started with empathy and packed more into this talk than I can cover, so if you missed it, you can watch the replay here.
Empathy Is a Skill
Rev. Liz reminded us that many of us first heard the word "empath" on Star Trek, from a character who felt other people's pain so deeply she'd collapse to the floor. It's easy to think of empathy as something you're born with or not. However, Brené Brown says it's a skill that can be learned (although not as dramatic as Gem in the original series), which Rev. Liz describes as an exchange that helps both people feel connected.
Brown builds on the work of nursing scholar Theresa Wiseman, who describes empathy in four parts:
See the world the way the other person sees it.
Stay out of judgment.
Understand their feelings as best you can.
Let them know you understand.
These take practice, and most of us will find one harder than the others. Rev. Liz said if the third is the hardest, it may be a nudge to dive into your own feelings, especially if you learned to squash the uncomfortable ones (plenty of us did). The fourth is where many of us stumble because sometimes we guess wrong. What matters is that we keep listening, check what we heard, and stay in the conversation.
Compassion, which is where our month goes next, takes empathy a step further: we feel with someone, and then we want to help.
For me, empathy can be tricky. During the talk, I kept thinking about a couple of former friends. Sometimes I have to let people be who they are, especially when they don't want my empathy and instead want to be right. At those times, nothing I’ve learned about empathy and compassion truly works. I know that's my interpretation and a judgment, and that’s what makes it hard.
Do We Want to Be Right?
Seeing the world through someone else’s eyes, without judging them, means setting aside our need to be right. Rev. Liz admitted that’s a daily practice for her.
It reminded me of something I learned in the Landmark Forum: Do we want to be right, or do we want the relationship? Landmark talks about looking for workability instead of being right: How do we get to something that works for everyone so we can move forward together?
Rev. Liz also said that letting go of judgment is part of life’s second-half work. We don’t need to define ourselves by what we’re against anymore.
Why Empathy Matters Right Now
Some of the loudest voices in our national conversation, including people with real power, say empathy is a weakness. Some even call it toxic. I can't fathom... When we decide we don't need to understand each other, our collective well-being suffers.
Some critics think that empathy wants us to agree with everything. But that's not it. Understanding how someone feels isn't the same as agreeing with them. It's what makes a real conversation possible.
Rev. Liz shared Brown's point that empathy dissolves shame. When someone says, "I see you. I've been there," shame loses its grip. Left alone, shame shows up as acting out, and we're seeing plenty of that right now. After a month exploring our shadows, that should also sound familiar.
She also cited social theorist Jeremy Rifkin, whose book The Empathic Civilization, looks at how, across history, empathy and neighborly concern pushed back on what was destructive and widened our sense of human connection. We need more of that.
In Science of Mind, empathy is a way we practice oneness. Ernest Holmes taught that we might as well make up our minds to love everybody, because we can't love some people, hate others, and stay well. (We're allowed to adore a few, Rev. Liz added. I'll add that it's also OK to dislike a few.)
Be Empathy
Rev. Liz suggested we try a couple of things this week. First, look honestly at how we do those four parts of empathy. You don't have to take on everyone's point of view, but if you notice yourself "hate vibing" on someone, that's a good place to start. (loving "hate vibing" - that's a new term for me and a keeper.)
Second, try Namaste with its true meaning: the Divine in me sees the Divine in you. In your daily practice, picture someone you're having a hard time seeing the Divine in, and bow to them. Not yet sure how I feel about actually bowing to someone, in theory or practice. Which means maybe that's what I need to do.
The more we practice, the more natural it is to listen, ask empathetic questions, and treat each other well. When we think about what we want to harvest, knowing we also reap what we sow, I'm going to keep practicing.
With gratitude,
Laura
Core Council Update
I missed our October meeting, one of the few I've missed since stepping into this role, so this update is from the meeting notes. It's a full and hopeful time for us.
The Core Council voted unanimously to present a senior minister candidate to our community. He'll be with us for a candidating weekend, Nov. 6 to 8, including our Sunday program on Nov. 8, followed by a potluck and a workshop at 12:30. Please come meet him.
On Sunday, Nov. 15, we'll have a pledge ceremony during the program, followed by a community meeting. The vote on our candidate is still a few weeks out, and only members can vote. Becoming a member isn't hard: a short class and a pledge of any amount does it. If you've been considering membership, this is a good time.
We're also making common-sense updates to our bylaws, with bigger changes saved for when our new minister is on board.
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