Why Self-Judgement Doesn't Work - and What Works Instead

It’s a new month and a new theme for CSL Ballard. Throughout February, we’re Embracing the Edge, and Rev. Gary Ninneman kicked us off last Sunday by taking us inward, toward what he called the inner edge.

By exploring our own inner world, and applying spiritual principles to our inner experience, we’re better equipped to meet the world beyond us. The inner edge shapes the outer one.

Rev. Gary didn't waste time; exploring the inner edge means noticing self-judgement and also how common it is. We judge ourselves – our words, choices, reactions – about almost everything.

Something I've been asked: Would you talk to someone you love the way you talk to yourself? The less-than-pleasant things we say to ourselves, our criticisms, are some of the worst kinds of self-judgement. Saying we’re our own worst critics may actually be an understatement. The good news is, we can unlearn this.

We know self-judgment isn’t a channel for flow. But it’s also not a character flaw; it’s a very human response. Once upon a time, it even helped keep us safe. It’s well-intentioned; it just may not serve us now, as it likely once did.

Where the Inner Critic Shows Up

That inner critic often shows up as a ten-second replay of something we said or did, on an endless loop. It’s a reflex, a habit. And when we recognize it - when we name it, Gary noted it loses some of its power and begins to soften.

Brené Brown famously says, “Name it to tame it.” Naming what we're feeling is an important step toward building self-awareness, and self-awareness is powerful.

At several points, I felt like Gary was speaking directly to me.

Self-judgment, and even self-awareness on its own, isn't the same thing as self-improvement or accountability. Those have their place, and, unlearning self-judgement may get us there faster.

Unlearning, and Learning Something New

Rev. Gary offered three practices for moving beyond self-judgment: courage, curiosity, and compassion. Self-compassion was hard for me when I started doing this work (like self-forgiveness). However, without it, Gary said, self-judgment is just bullying with inside information. (He had a lot of great one-liners; if you missed it, the YouTube replay is well worth watching.)

Courage, Curiosity, Compassion

We don’t change when we’re attacked. That’s confusing awareness with punishment. When we judge ourselves, we’re often stuck in a future that hasn’t happened yet, and that blocks creativity and confidence. We become both the judge and the judged.

More often than not, fear masquerades as accountability. And fear doesn’t need discipline; it needs compassion.

We change when we can see a new possibility.

Building the Self-Compassion Muscle

Courage, curiosity, and compassion ask for participation, not perfection. They put us on the court, not in the stands. They invite us to be radically present.

So how do we change our inner environment?

We notice. We pause.

While I do this far less often now, I would recriminate myself for the smallest thing, but those small things add up. When we catch ourselves in judgment, we can ask: What’s behind this? What is this protecting? That's courage. That's vulnerability. And it opens the door to compassion.

When we choose compassion, we align with our highest and best selves — with a Spirit that supports us rather than attacks us.

One of my favorite lines from this philosophy is: Principle is not bound by precedent. Just because something unfolded a certain way before doesn’t mean it will again. Self-judgment lives on precedent. Principle does not.

As Gary said, “We are as malleable as we decide to be.”

When we live by principle, life unfolds through attraction, not attack. We acknowledge our experience without being defined by it. I’ve always loved the concept of muscle memory – it means we're not starting from scratch. Gary noted that we grow our curiosity, courage, and compassion muscles each time we practice them, and it's a way to better cooperate with spiritual law.

Self-compassion can be hard at first, especially if we're not used to it, but it's essential to becoming fully present, to being the best version of ourselves. Self-compassion lets us be on our own side.